“Please! Mistress, I want you to abuse me!” you keen, as you do not see the room through the blindfold of your own making.
No.
Kink is not abuse
I just saw another interaction on a social media outlet that raised my hackles. I direct messaged one of the people and found, instead of a shattered, joyless slave, there was a bouncy, uplifted bottom who reveled in the public humiliation. They thanked me for making sure they were o.k., and I backed off. And, even though the initial interaction I saw was not ‘good’, I was happy that they were happy.
Why did I message them? Because, as a Dominant and reluctant Elder, it is my duty to be aware of situations that could turn badly, and cut it off before it does so. The only way to do that is to go to the person who seems to be abused and communicate with them.
“But! Isn’t all BdSm kinkiness abuse?” I hear you mumble through your socially unaware gag.
No.
For every person who is the slightest bit kinky, there are several kinks that, from the outside, seem horribly abusive. And, under the wrong hand, it can be. What is seen from the outside is not always what it appears.
The social and entertainment media have always used forms of sexualized abuse to get ratings. Clickbait has a predominance of lead-ins that seem to be about the sexually abusive or kinky nature of people who we as a culture have raised above us to celebrity status. Though titillating, the splashy nature of these headlines and articles do not see the nuance, or even truth in many instances, of what might actually have happened. But they work, and that sensational approach has made many people believe that all Dominants are just abusers.
The subtleness and protocol cannot be easily shown and quantified from outside. The difference from one scene to another is not easily parsed, unless you know the people and the interactions. This has lead to people being ‘outed’ and loosing jobs, social status, even family. Just because a horror movie has a scene that uses the known visual BdSm cues for an abuse scene does not mean that everyone in BdSm does this.
There have been large gatherings of kinky people for decades. From house parties up to several thousand at conventions, the community that has formed around the general kinky BdSm and specific sub groups will always have subtle differences in how people interact. The more people involved, the more structured things need to be. And, unfortunately, that is because there are abusers that take advantage of people in the headspace we call subspace. The protocols and hierarchies that develop are supposed to be there to keep abusers from misusing those in the community.
Part of the protocols that develop are the things we in the kink community should always keep in mind. The overall part of being in the BdSm play is choice. The choice to be in a situation, or not. The choice of a safeword. The choice of who does and does not know. Take any of these choices away, and someone who has been abused will feel abused again. When a choice is there, sometimes given, sometimes taken, it can mean a world of difference to the person who has been abused. From the simple action of having a safeword to the complete extraction of oneself from an abusive situation, that choice is what lets those who have been abused allow themselves to explore BdSm and kink.
“Wait! People who have been abused go into kink - on purpose?” you gasp out in rhythm of my flog of words.
Yes.
The community can be very misunderstood. Those who have found kink are coming into a community who accepts that you may be broken, but still a full person. None of us are perfect. Some of us are very broken. It is the broken nature that Kinksters, Leathermen and others use in BdSm play, hopefully for fun, not to take advantage of.
Sometimes someone who has been abused, has been done so in a BdSm form that they did not agree to, but now feel this is the only thing they are worthy of. Perhaps there was an abusive situation that was so close to what others would see as kinky play that they just fell into a group doing something similar. Sometimes the abuser was very strict and once the abused has been able to be out of the original situation, the freedom was scary and they need a strict Dom to be able to function. There are too many possibilities for why someone who has been abused would turn to the seemingly abusive kink community.
It is the choice that is available that most find is needed. Abuse does not give choice, it just is.
In the experience I have had through the years, those who have been in abusive situations first look for the physical nature of BdSm. Using the endorphin rush that many people get from the play in kink scenes help to distance from the situation they may be running from. A flogging looks like it would be just a harsh punishment, but the pain, when it is willingly taken, overwhelms what the mind has been telling you, the sensations change what your body has been through. The sub-space that occurs is for the most part blissful, using the endorphins that the play has brought out to be set apart from the everyday life the sub has.
That subspace has to be gently dealt with, as it can turn from the wondrous floaty feeling to a horrible flashback. It is the change from being with a trusted person to being with another abuser that can be disastrous in trying to heal.
“Hey! Using BdSm for healing?” whines out of your lips as the reality I whip you with stings.
Yes. And no.
Under the trusted hand of a good Dominant, those who have been abused can use the structure of those kinks that have developed to work through and explore abuse from their past. Being able to stop what is happening is enough of a change that many people are able to face what has happened and work through their darkness through BdSm.
Even if we do not want it, the human brain will take abuse we have sustained and create a sexualized nature to it, making it a fetish that makes our play complete. For some people, it is being slapped across the face. For others, degrading names and humiliating actions are what is wanted. They can mirror what the person has gone through, and by using that, change it into play, not abuse. But there is a fine line that can be trod upon very easily.
Setting a scene for someone who has been through abuse can be tricky. Recreating scenes from ones’ past, even unintentionally, to change and control what happened is very common, even if it is not usually couched in such terms. The need to have a certain action in each scene to make it complete, whether fetishized or not, can denote the need to possess and change a situation that had come before. The expectations of such a scene can be unrealistic, but striving to heal from such a place is not always a safe thing to do. Sometimes being safe is not what is wanted, or needed.
The thing with concentual humiliation and such is that the people involved have given consent. The control that is brought to the play with that consent allows the person who went through the abuse to be able to say no, when they could not before. It also allows them to fully explore what the abuse could have been, and still be able to walk away without more scars. Internal, at least.
I would also like to state, it is not just the person who is tied to the rack and being bloodied with a signal whip who has been the abused. Many Tops and Doms take the role because it has let them overcome, or at least control, the abuse from their own past.
“What? Are you saying the person on Top could have been abused?” you hiss out with chagrin as I rake comprehension across your skin.
Yes.
Anyone can have been abused. Just like anyone can be an abuser.
The hard part of all this is seeing abuse for what it is, and doing something about it. The way we couch things in terms others do not know hides what we do. It is a defense mechanism to keep what we do to ourselves and away from those who would not understand. Unfortunately, those who would abuse others use this to subjugate their prey, and it is not easy to get those who are being abused to a safe place.
That was why I messaged the person. If I see something that seems like abuse, it is my responsibility to find out and call it out if it is happening. That can be as simple as being there for them to message with and as dramatic as extracting them from the situation. Every situation is different.
Many people play at being abused. It is something that can be done playfully, or for attention. But, if you see someone constantly asking for help because they are being abused in some way, accept they are telling the truth. Find out what is going on, and how you may be able to help, even if it is by asking others for that help.
If you are the one being abused, it is terrifying to ask for help. Too many abusers do not look like they are doing so to those not in the situation. You do not know who is on the abusers side. You do not know who will laugh it off. You do not know who may take over from the last abuser and just continue. But, be brave and reach out. You are worthy of your own life without that pain.
If you see someone who has been abused, is being abused, be their advocate. Stand up for them. Especially in the BdSm communities, there are cliques that will not see what is going on and will not allow those who are being abused any rights to themselves and their safety. They think they are keeping a piggy bottom or uppity sub in line. If you have any rank or standing, use it and your voice to give that person a choice.
Those who have risen through the ranks of the BdSm communities have sometimes lost what it was like to be new, or to have been taken advantage of. Those who have been given power because of the social wealth they have can sometimes wield it as deftly as a blade through skin, and obfuscate what may be happening as tightly as a Shibari Master. They may be the abuser that you need to stand up to. It is hard to juggle your own position within a group with the possible shunning you may get by helping someone and calling out the abuser. It needs to be done. Those who use the BdSm community to be bullies and abusers have to be called out, or those who have been abused will never be able to have their choice.
As you lie at my feet, questioning the headspace this session has brought you to, I offer you Aftercare in this one phrase, “What do you choose?”
Miss R
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