« Posts tagged Etiquette

BdSm and Abuse

April 26, 2020 / posted in Article, FAQ / No Comments

 

“Please!  Mistress, I want you to abuse me!” you keen, as you do not see the room through the blindfold of your own making.

No.

Kink is not abuse

I just saw another interaction on a social media outlet that raised my hackles.  I direct messaged one of the people and found, instead of a shattered, joyless slave, there was a bouncy, uplifted bottom who reveled in the public humiliation.  They thanked me for making sure they were o.k., and I backed off.  And, even though the initial interaction I saw was not ‘good’, I was happy that they were happy.

Why did I message them?  Because, as a Dominant and reluctant Elder, it is my duty to be aware of situations that could turn badly, and cut it off before it does so.  The only way to do that is to go to the person who seems to be abused and communicate with them.

“But!  Isn’t all BdSm kinkiness abuse?” I hear you mumble through your socially unaware gag.

No. »Read More

Defining a Dom

February 28, 2020 / posted in Article / No Comments

The media gives a common vision of what someone who is Dominant does and is in todays society.  It is good to have a starting point that is common, but the compare/contrast on what a Dominant actually is and does is far more nuanced than the images of Lady Heather or Christian Grey we have been given.  How do we know who is Dominant if not with these common images?

To be Dominant, it takes knowledge and techniques to be able to showcase that dominance.  We see the leather, the lace, the whips and chains.  But, it would not work without the submissive in the relationship.  Everyone is different, and every Dominant/submissive relationship is different.  Yes, there is a penchant for dark humor and perhaps a little more giggling at others’ pain than is the median today, but, just like every interaction, the way a Dominant controls their submissive really is based on how that submissive allows themselves to be controlled.

Got you there, didn’t I.

It is the coin-sides of the Play we call Kink.  You cannot have one side without the other, and the commonality that binds them together.  You can have a simple D/s interaction just about anywhere without the obvious trappings we have come to expect.  It takes communication between the people involved before and during, and that is what the media just doesn’t let us see.  Without knowing the proper buttons to push, what makes it a good push, and what makes it a bad one, it will fall flat.  Talking before a session or interaction is how you explore how a Dominant can control the submissive with them.  Knowing that words have power, calling someone a sissy, may make them smile, it may make them get angry.  Depending on the reaction wanted, both are good.  It is the skilled Dominant that can use those reactions to push the submissive’s fantasy.

The physical techniques a Dominant uses, from Shibari rope work, through use of flogs and whips, to the ability to wrestle their submissive into a real submissive pose, are all flashy, and what people visually seek out.  In some circumstances, such as open play parties, just having the physical nature of Dominance on display is what is needed, and wanted.  It is what is beyond the snap of the whip and the hurting knees landing on the concrete floor that keeps a submissive coming back to a particular Dominant.  From the outside, it may all look the same.  From within the interaction, it can run hot, or cold.

How to define a Dom?  Someone who can control with a word, a look, a flick of a finger.  Because those are the things the submissive sees, and reacts to.

Kneel before me.  😉 

Miss R

Definitions in BDSM: Cute Quips and why they are wrong

August 2, 2019 / posted in Article / No Comments

Definitions in BDSM: Cute Quips and why they are wrong

There are some cute shirts and bumper stickers that some of my subs and clients have offered me over the years.  Tribute is always welcome, but sometimes I find it hard to accept things with sayings on them.  Yes, I am a Pro-Dom.  That does not mean I fit into any of the media stereotypes, and as such the t-shirts, even though cute, go unworn.  Let me explain.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.  This is a cute saying, and most of the time there is a pirate theme to it.  Yay pirates.  It is also goes against several of my personal rules.  If I am in a bad mood, I don’t play with people.  I do not take out my frustrations on someone, even if they are willing.  It is not fair to them, or myself, and can lead to not seeing limits before I trample over them.  If someone else is in a bad mood, I will hold off on giving a good flogging or such until I know why they are in a bad mood, and if getting beaten upon will really make them feel better.  Most of the time, it will not.

If I wanted your opinion, I would have beaten it out of you.  Um, no.  That is abuse, plain and simple.  I have relationships where it may look like I disregard the other person, but that is consensual with discussions where others cannot see them.  Abusing someone for my own pleasure is not right, even though it may look like that is what I am doing.  If I do not treat my sub with respect, they will not be my sub much longer.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.  O.k..  This one is cute.  I still don’t wear anything with that on it because, well, they don’t.  It is the person I am with and what we do that excites me, not the objects that are used.  Others are object-oriented and I understand this, but not everyone who is into the BdSm lifestyle is into whips and chains and the pain that they represent.  There is more to explore, and I like to start with the sensual and work my way up from there.

Ouch is not a Safeword.  Um, yes it is.  Cute, until you think about it.  Not everyone has a pain tolerance and while I am in session with someone, I will take ouch as a Safeword.  Yes, there is the Red/Yellow/Green standard, but not everyone uses it, and not everyone gets up to that point.  It is all in the negotiations.

Queen Bitch/Bitch Goddess.  Some days, it is appropriate.  It is also offensive to me.  Why would I wear a shirt that tells people I have an attitude that I might not feel right then?  I am very open with what I am and what I do, but I do not need to have a 10 year old turn to his Mother and ask what it means in public.  Yes, I do somethings to shock, but wearing swear words is not one of them.  This goes for inappropriate names for female genitalia, offensive sexist pidgin-holing titles and just downright rude sayings.  But that is me.

Mistress.  Well, this one is one that I do like, but to offer to give me something that says Mistress on it is presumptive.  I want to get to know someone before I let them call me Mistress.  Having a t-shirt that says it as a gift assumes a relationship that just might not be there.

These are only a few of the things I have been offered over the years.  Yes, they can be cute, but think about what they really mean, and who you would want to really wear them before spending the money.  For me, start at the toes and work up and we will see what of the sayings is appropriate.

Have fun and I’ll see you at the Mall.

Miss R from the Leathermines.

Scene etiquette : Meeting people outside the lifestyle

August 2, 2019 / posted in Article / No Comments

Scene etiquette : Meeting people outside the lifestyle

"Hey!  Have I seen you somewhere before?"

This seems like an innocuous question, but when one person sees the other and can't remember where they have met, and the other person does because you have met at a play party, or more embarrassingly, played together, it can bring more than a bit of a flush of awkwardness to the situation.

There are many times when I am approached in restaurants, in the gym and even in department stores when people think they recognize me.  There are many times it is innocent, but more often than not, we have met in a kinky setting.  That is when things can get ... Interesting.

If you see someone that you think you know, and it turns out you met in a kinky setting, try to be discrete.  They may have people with them who do not know about the things they do in their play time.  If someone asks where you met, a good answer is, "A social club." You may need to back away to leave them to their conversation or activities, and a quick, "I'll see you" or other noncommittal phrase is good.

If the person you spotted is alone, please still be polite and not start in on the amazing rope scene you saw them do, or the scene you would like to do with them.  Ask if they are available right then to talk, if they are willing to talk about alternative things.  Take no for an answer.

If the setting is not conducive for talking, be willing to give them your contact information.  Quickly.  A card with a number or an email address is appropriate.  Making them wait and write down how to get ahold of you is not.  Asking them for their contact info is bordering on rude. If you have an alternative lifestyle email that you can use, that would be best, using profiles on sites such as O.K. Cupid or Fetlife, perfect. That keeps the kinky and the mundane from mixing too much.

Regardless if the person you are talking to is someone you have played with, or wish to play with, ask before calling them their 'in scene' name or title.  Being called Mistress in the middle of a fast food restaurant can bring interesting looks, and be very inappropriate. Some people like it.  I do not appreciate it without some warning.  If you do not remember their every day name, say so.  Asking, “What can I call you?” is always a good approach.

A good guideline is to approach someone you might have met in the BDSM lifestyle as if they had their Mother with them.  This should cushion things socially until you both know each other a little better.

Have fun talking with people and you might just see me, before I see you.

Miss R from the Leathermines

Scene Etiquette: Arriving at your Pro-Dom

October 28, 2018 / posted in Article, FAQ / No Comments

Scene Etiquette: Arriving at your Pro-Dom

You have the time and date set.  You know where you are to meet.  The day comes and...?

Be nervous.  It’s o.k..  Fulfilling your fantasies can be nerve-wracking, but a great thing to do.  Just don’t let your attentions take you away from properly attending to your Domme.  Keep these things in mind and your time with your Dominant will go well.

Take a shower.  This might sound odd, but make sure you are clean.  Wash everything and do not put on huge amounts of cologne or body spray.  Your play may not involve taking your clothes off, but it is still good to be clean when you arrive so you do not offend your Pro-Dom.  You may be sent away never to be played with again by being stinky and unkempt.

Have your payment ready.  When you were in negotiation with your Pro-Dom for their services, it should have been made clear how the tribute would be given.  If not, cash is always good.  Do not try to hold back or re-negotiate when you see your Domme, you will be laughed at and sent away.

Allow yourself enough time.  Do not try to schedule too many things in the day you are seeing your Dom.  Do not squeeze Her in between meetings and appointments.  Give yourself at least an hour after the session is supposed to end to be able to gather yourself up and come back into reality.  Driving while under the influence of sub-space can be deadly.

Arrive on time.  Or early.  There is nothing more annoying than to be dressed and ready for a client who shows up half an hour late for a one hour session.  If you cannot be there on time, try to contact your Pro-Dom and be honest as to why you are being late.  If you are going to be very late, you may need to reschedule, you lost your guarantee deposit, and their good humor.  If you are meeting at a location you chose, make sure it is open and you are there to escort her in when she arrives.

Have your toy bag.  Have your favorite toys with you for the scene you negotiated.  Make sure they are clean and in good working order.  When you get there, offer to lay out the items you brought so that your Domme may see what you have, but do not expect them to be used.  Your scene may not use the items you brought, but most Dominants love using different toys on their submissives.

If you were given specific commands, such as shaving or wearing certain items, do it.  Showing that you can follow directions and are willing to play in the way your Dom does makes it easier to ask for another session, and have it accepted.  If you cannot do a specific thing, be honest as to why before you arrive at your session.  Do not disrespect your Pro-Dom by not following what you are told.  That will not lead to punishment in the form you wish, it will just piss Her off.

Make sure before you arrive how your Pro-Dom works the start of a scene.  Ask if it starts when you meet or if there will be a set-up time.  Different Doms have different ways of dealing with a scene, so know before you arrive.  If you don’t know, assume it starts as soon as you see them.

Know your Safe Word.  Your Dominant should ask you what it is at the beginning.  If not, use the stop-light method and call out ‘RED’ when you are pushed beyond your limits.

Every Dominant is different, but this should keep you from pissing off yours and letting you enjoy your time.  Let the play happen and follow directions.

Have fun and I’ll see you at the other end of the flog.

Miss R from the Leathermines.

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