« Posts tagged Fact Sheet

BdSm and Abuse

April 26, 2020 / posted in Article, FAQ / No Comments

 

“Please!  Mistress, I want you to abuse me!” you keen, as you do not see the room through the blindfold of your own making.

No.

Kink is not abuse

I just saw another interaction on a social media outlet that raised my hackles.  I direct messaged one of the people and found, instead of a shattered, joyless slave, there was a bouncy, uplifted bottom who reveled in the public humiliation.  They thanked me for making sure they were o.k., and I backed off.  And, even though the initial interaction I saw was not ‘good’, I was happy that they were happy.

Why did I message them?  Because, as a Dominant and reluctant Elder, it is my duty to be aware of situations that could turn badly, and cut it off before it does so.  The only way to do that is to go to the person who seems to be abused and communicate with them.

“But!  Isn’t all BdSm kinkiness abuse?” I hear you mumble through your socially unaware gag.

No. »Read More

The development of fetishes

April 13, 2020 / posted in Article / No Comments

Kinks are part of our lives, whether we wish for them or not.  The human brain fixates on things.  It is how we develop and learn.  When things become a ‘chase’ for resources, those scarce things become a fixation, and can lead to some fetishes that might be hard to understand.

Throughout the ages, scarcity has led to fetishism of the scarce thing.  From the obvious ‘exotic’ people who are different from those you are used to being around, to items that are imported and as such are rare or things that used to be common, but because of adversity has become scarce.  The use of the rare thing has created fetishes throughout the centuries, some of which are quite bizarre.

For an example, because of rationing during the World Wars, food became quite an element in fetish play in Britain.  Smoshing raised in prominence for the use of the rationed food items that could be found, wasting them in a sexualized way.  The use of canned beans for sitting in, or spreading on feet combined several fetishes and made the rare thing, the rationed food, the star.

In the age of consumerism we are in, the Covid-19 epidemic has created another wave of scarcity.  I have already seen toilet paper pornography, emphasizing the non-standard use and waste of a thing we used to take for granted.  It has also raised the awareness of a few things that are tangental, such as infantilism with the use of adult diapers.  The human mind is associative, and the lack of something makes the need to have it a driving primal force, and that muddies its self with other primal needs, which makes for sexual associations and kinks with the thing we are striving to find.

The cleanliness that protecting ourselves needs to work has also led to ‘dirty’ and ‘bug chasing’ videos becoming more popular.  It isn’t the non-use of condoms I am talking about, it is a rash of amateur videos of people who say they have Covid-19 having sex with other people.  There have always been bug-chasers, but this one is being documented.  Not only is it dangerous, it is a way of mainstreaming that dangerous kink by having pretty people having sex for your entertainment.

In the future, there will be other things that are ‘exotic’ or become scarce.  Those will then fold into the fetishes that are already there, with unknown waves of use and knowledge to effect what we do with that kink.  We shall see.

Wash your hands.

Defining a Dom

February 28, 2020 / posted in Article / No Comments

The media gives a common vision of what someone who is Dominant does and is in todays society.  It is good to have a starting point that is common, but the compare/contrast on what a Dominant actually is and does is far more nuanced than the images of Lady Heather or Christian Grey we have been given.  How do we know who is Dominant if not with these common images?

To be Dominant, it takes knowledge and techniques to be able to showcase that dominance.  We see the leather, the lace, the whips and chains.  But, it would not work without the submissive in the relationship.  Everyone is different, and every Dominant/submissive relationship is different.  Yes, there is a penchant for dark humor and perhaps a little more giggling at others’ pain than is the median today, but, just like every interaction, the way a Dominant controls their submissive really is based on how that submissive allows themselves to be controlled.

Got you there, didn’t I.

It is the coin-sides of the Play we call Kink.  You cannot have one side without the other, and the commonality that binds them together.  You can have a simple D/s interaction just about anywhere without the obvious trappings we have come to expect.  It takes communication between the people involved before and during, and that is what the media just doesn’t let us see.  Without knowing the proper buttons to push, what makes it a good push, and what makes it a bad one, it will fall flat.  Talking before a session or interaction is how you explore how a Dominant can control the submissive with them.  Knowing that words have power, calling someone a sissy, may make them smile, it may make them get angry.  Depending on the reaction wanted, both are good.  It is the skilled Dominant that can use those reactions to push the submissive’s fantasy.

The physical techniques a Dominant uses, from Shibari rope work, through use of flogs and whips, to the ability to wrestle their submissive into a real submissive pose, are all flashy, and what people visually seek out.  In some circumstances, such as open play parties, just having the physical nature of Dominance on display is what is needed, and wanted.  It is what is beyond the snap of the whip and the hurting knees landing on the concrete floor that keeps a submissive coming back to a particular Dominant.  From the outside, it may all look the same.  From within the interaction, it can run hot, or cold.

How to define a Dom?  Someone who can control with a word, a look, a flick of a finger.  Because those are the things the submissive sees, and reacts to.

Kneel before me.  😉 

Miss R

Allergies and BDSM Play

December 7, 2019 / posted in Article, FAQ / No Comments

It is all fun until...

 

Several years ago, I had a client who had progressed to play that included Golden Showers.  The Dungeon at the time had a space with an open shower and toilet, and he had shown that he was earnest in his desire to Play that way.  It is a time I remember fondly.  Until I almost sent him to the hospital.

I have a waiver and questionnaire that I have all of my in-person clients fill out.  It is not unusual, as the intense nature of BDSM play can be dangerous, and a knowing, and willing, client is always preferable.  Part of the questionnaire is a medical disclosure form, basic, but covers things that could make some scenes dangerous if not taken into consideration.  I assumed at the time that the client had filled it out accurately.

I no longer assume that.

That day, there was a bit of wax play, some flogging and it segued into the shower for the wet part of the session.  It was fun, and it was sexy… until I saw he was starting to have problems breathing.  I stopped the session, tried rinsing him off where a rash was starting and also tried to get him to tell me how he was feeling.

I finally was able to pry out of him that he couldn’t breathe, he was itchy and he was feeling just unwell.  It clicked for me and I made him take some antihistamines.  And we called his emergency contact.

Let me back up.

About a week before, I started having UTI symptoms.  It happens.  So, I pushed fluids in the form of cranberry juice, choked down goldenseal and manganese and had a full prescription of antibiotics.  I was still taking the pills when I met my client.

There was nothing in his medical questionnaire about being allergic to the antibiotics I was taking.  In fact, when I rechecked, he hadn’t put anything in about an obvious scar on his leg, too.  He failed as a client and a sub.  I failed as his Dom for not making sure.

Along with other research I do for other portions of my life, I started looking into absorption rates and such for not only the pills I was taking, but of other medications.  It is scary how much just does not get absorbed in most medications when taken in pill form.  And it is also scary the scant amount it takes to make someone react when there is an allergy.

Keeping my horrific story in mind, you or your play partner may react during a session because of a sensitivity or allergy to anything.  Most of the time, you won’t even know that the slight headache or redness is a reaction at the time.  If you have mild symptoms, it can be easy to overlook.  Any severe allergy needs to be kept in mind for any play and worked around.

The things you do not think about until too late are what can ruin a situation.  Allergy to shellfish?  You may react to red cosmetics or dye with carmine as it’s base. Your partner has food allergies?  Make sure you don’t eat it for several days before you let them eat your ass.  Latex allergies?  Gloves, condoms, dildoes and more are available in other materials.  Bee allergy?  Some people are so sensitive that even beeswax candles can set it off.  Even using a lotion with wheat derivatives can make a Celiac uncomfortable and then fully react in the time you have them bound and suspended.

If you have an allergy or sensitivity, make sure you keep your medicines in your play bag.  Know your body.  And if you play with someone who has an allergy, keep an extra set of meds with you, and know how to use all of it, up to and including an Epi-Pen.  Keep a list of emergency contacts for yourself and your partner in your bag, too, just in case.  Know how to deal with things, and when to call in for help.  Emergency personnel have seen it all, so don't worry about that.  Medical play is a great thing, but please make sure you know what you are doing in a real medical emergency.

Playing with our fantasies in a BdSm situation is wonderful.  Keep in mind that fantasy can be smashed when reality takes your ability to function because of a medical issue.  As a Dom, it is a responsibility, and a privilege, to take care of both.

See you in the Bennadryl aisle.

Miss R

The Leathermines.com

Definitions in BDSM: Cute Quips and why they are wrong

August 2, 2019 / posted in Article / No Comments

Definitions in BDSM: Cute Quips and why they are wrong

There are some cute shirts and bumper stickers that some of my subs and clients have offered me over the years.  Tribute is always welcome, but sometimes I find it hard to accept things with sayings on them.  Yes, I am a Pro-Dom.  That does not mean I fit into any of the media stereotypes, and as such the t-shirts, even though cute, go unworn.  Let me explain.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.  This is a cute saying, and most of the time there is a pirate theme to it.  Yay pirates.  It is also goes against several of my personal rules.  If I am in a bad mood, I don’t play with people.  I do not take out my frustrations on someone, even if they are willing.  It is not fair to them, or myself, and can lead to not seeing limits before I trample over them.  If someone else is in a bad mood, I will hold off on giving a good flogging or such until I know why they are in a bad mood, and if getting beaten upon will really make them feel better.  Most of the time, it will not.

If I wanted your opinion, I would have beaten it out of you.  Um, no.  That is abuse, plain and simple.  I have relationships where it may look like I disregard the other person, but that is consensual with discussions where others cannot see them.  Abusing someone for my own pleasure is not right, even though it may look like that is what I am doing.  If I do not treat my sub with respect, they will not be my sub much longer.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.  O.k..  This one is cute.  I still don’t wear anything with that on it because, well, they don’t.  It is the person I am with and what we do that excites me, not the objects that are used.  Others are object-oriented and I understand this, but not everyone who is into the BdSm lifestyle is into whips and chains and the pain that they represent.  There is more to explore, and I like to start with the sensual and work my way up from there.

Ouch is not a Safeword.  Um, yes it is.  Cute, until you think about it.  Not everyone has a pain tolerance and while I am in session with someone, I will take ouch as a Safeword.  Yes, there is the Red/Yellow/Green standard, but not everyone uses it, and not everyone gets up to that point.  It is all in the negotiations.

Queen Bitch/Bitch Goddess.  Some days, it is appropriate.  It is also offensive to me.  Why would I wear a shirt that tells people I have an attitude that I might not feel right then?  I am very open with what I am and what I do, but I do not need to have a 10 year old turn to his Mother and ask what it means in public.  Yes, I do somethings to shock, but wearing swear words is not one of them.  This goes for inappropriate names for female genitalia, offensive sexist pidgin-holing titles and just downright rude sayings.  But that is me.

Mistress.  Well, this one is one that I do like, but to offer to give me something that says Mistress on it is presumptive.  I want to get to know someone before I let them call me Mistress.  Having a t-shirt that says it as a gift assumes a relationship that just might not be there.

These are only a few of the things I have been offered over the years.  Yes, they can be cute, but think about what they really mean, and who you would want to really wear them before spending the money.  For me, start at the toes and work up and we will see what of the sayings is appropriate.

Have fun and I’ll see you at the Mall.

Miss R from the Leathermines.

Scene etiquette : Meeting people outside the lifestyle

August 2, 2019 / posted in Article / No Comments

Scene etiquette : Meeting people outside the lifestyle

"Hey!  Have I seen you somewhere before?"

This seems like an innocuous question, but when one person sees the other and can't remember where they have met, and the other person does because you have met at a play party, or more embarrassingly, played together, it can bring more than a bit of a flush of awkwardness to the situation.

There are many times when I am approached in restaurants, in the gym and even in department stores when people think they recognize me.  There are many times it is innocent, but more often than not, we have met in a kinky setting.  That is when things can get ... Interesting.

If you see someone that you think you know, and it turns out you met in a kinky setting, try to be discrete.  They may have people with them who do not know about the things they do in their play time.  If someone asks where you met, a good answer is, "A social club." You may need to back away to leave them to their conversation or activities, and a quick, "I'll see you" or other noncommittal phrase is good.

If the person you spotted is alone, please still be polite and not start in on the amazing rope scene you saw them do, or the scene you would like to do with them.  Ask if they are available right then to talk, if they are willing to talk about alternative things.  Take no for an answer.

If the setting is not conducive for talking, be willing to give them your contact information.  Quickly.  A card with a number or an email address is appropriate.  Making them wait and write down how to get ahold of you is not.  Asking them for their contact info is bordering on rude. If you have an alternative lifestyle email that you can use, that would be best, using profiles on sites such as O.K. Cupid or Fetlife, perfect. That keeps the kinky and the mundane from mixing too much.

Regardless if the person you are talking to is someone you have played with, or wish to play with, ask before calling them their 'in scene' name or title.  Being called Mistress in the middle of a fast food restaurant can bring interesting looks, and be very inappropriate. Some people like it.  I do not appreciate it without some warning.  If you do not remember their every day name, say so.  Asking, “What can I call you?” is always a good approach.

A good guideline is to approach someone you might have met in the BDSM lifestyle as if they had their Mother with them.  This should cushion things socially until you both know each other a little better.

Have fun talking with people and you might just see me, before I see you.

Miss R from the Leathermines

Miss R’s quick tips for Pro Doms

August 2, 2019 / posted in Article / No Comments

Miss R's quick tips for Pro Doms

I have been in and out of the Pro Dom thing for many years.  It depends on what is happening in my life, and how my social life is doing.  That sounds odd, but if I am doing well socially, I am doing well as a Pro Dom. 

There are a few things I have picked up over the years that help me in my day to day dommish things.  I hope that this is not too rambling.

Get a membership in a 24 hour gym.  One with many locations and affiliates is better.  A 24 hour gym allows you to clean up and change before or after a session without having to go home.  Or use the client’s facilities if it was not part of the negotiated scene. If you had to travel a ways, having a gym that can let you use their water to clean up is a good thing.

Along with a gym membership, have your workout bag with you if you can when you go to a session.  Keep an extra set of clothes with you, like a long dress or scrubs.  You can throw this on or over what you are wearing to keep decent, or to get into something clean, even if you are not using the gym.  

Be open about where you are going to the people you live with or who care about you.  Have a check-in time to let them know you are good and safe.  Having to lie or cover up what you are doing never works out.

Know what you are doing, and along with that, do not be afraid to say you do not have experience in something.  If you do not know about an activity, look it up, research it and let your gut tell you whether or not you are willing to do it.  Be careful and-

Don't be afraid to say, "No." It is not worth your health, life or reputation to let yourself be forced into something you don't wish to do.  Be straight forward with who you are dealing with, as in, try not to couch things in too many qualifiers such as 'maybe', 'perhaps' or 'I'm not sure'.  This leads to pushiness on the client's part which can lead you into doing things you shouldn't.

Have a backup plan.  No matter what you are doing, plan on an alternative.  If you are traveling to the other side of town to see someone and they either don't show up or it doesn't work out, know a place you can hang out at for a while to make the trip worth it.  If you plan on doing one type of scene, make sure you can do a different one without the key items needed for the planned scene.  Have a plan on getting home or to a safe place if your transportation fails you.  Always have a plan B.

Know others in the Pro part of the scene.  There are times when you may need to get out from under an appointment, or a client.  Being able to refer to another Pro is a good fallback.  You can set up 'Double Dom' sessions and get referrals back, too.

Allow yourself to have time to deal with the mental, emotional and physical aspects of your own Aftercare.  Aftercare is important for your client, but if you don’t take care of your own needs, you will burn out or be unsafe to be with your clients.  You are a professional, but the does not mean you are a machine.  Understand that a good scene or interaction has impacts on your psyche as much as the bad ones do.  Try not to let bad scenes, and the aftermath, overwhelm you.  Know that you will get through it, and onto the next thing or client.  It just may take a bit to balance yourself.

There are many other things that being a Pro Dom entails.  This is but a small portion go the things I have learned over the years.

Go out and make the world kneel.  I’ll bring the floggs.

Miss R from The Leathermines

Scene Etiquette: Arriving at your Pro-Dom

October 28, 2018 / posted in Article, FAQ / No Comments

Scene Etiquette: Arriving at your Pro-Dom

You have the time and date set.  You know where you are to meet.  The day comes and...?

Be nervous.  It’s o.k..  Fulfilling your fantasies can be nerve-wracking, but a great thing to do.  Just don’t let your attentions take you away from properly attending to your Domme.  Keep these things in mind and your time with your Dominant will go well.

Take a shower.  This might sound odd, but make sure you are clean.  Wash everything and do not put on huge amounts of cologne or body spray.  Your play may not involve taking your clothes off, but it is still good to be clean when you arrive so you do not offend your Pro-Dom.  You may be sent away never to be played with again by being stinky and unkempt.

Have your payment ready.  When you were in negotiation with your Pro-Dom for their services, it should have been made clear how the tribute would be given.  If not, cash is always good.  Do not try to hold back or re-negotiate when you see your Domme, you will be laughed at and sent away.

Allow yourself enough time.  Do not try to schedule too many things in the day you are seeing your Dom.  Do not squeeze Her in between meetings and appointments.  Give yourself at least an hour after the session is supposed to end to be able to gather yourself up and come back into reality.  Driving while under the influence of sub-space can be deadly.

Arrive on time.  Or early.  There is nothing more annoying than to be dressed and ready for a client who shows up half an hour late for a one hour session.  If you cannot be there on time, try to contact your Pro-Dom and be honest as to why you are being late.  If you are going to be very late, you may need to reschedule, you lost your guarantee deposit, and their good humor.  If you are meeting at a location you chose, make sure it is open and you are there to escort her in when she arrives.

Have your toy bag.  Have your favorite toys with you for the scene you negotiated.  Make sure they are clean and in good working order.  When you get there, offer to lay out the items you brought so that your Domme may see what you have, but do not expect them to be used.  Your scene may not use the items you brought, but most Dominants love using different toys on their submissives.

If you were given specific commands, such as shaving or wearing certain items, do it.  Showing that you can follow directions and are willing to play in the way your Dom does makes it easier to ask for another session, and have it accepted.  If you cannot do a specific thing, be honest as to why before you arrive at your session.  Do not disrespect your Pro-Dom by not following what you are told.  That will not lead to punishment in the form you wish, it will just piss Her off.

Make sure before you arrive how your Pro-Dom works the start of a scene.  Ask if it starts when you meet or if there will be a set-up time.  Different Doms have different ways of dealing with a scene, so know before you arrive.  If you don’t know, assume it starts as soon as you see them.

Know your Safe Word.  Your Dominant should ask you what it is at the beginning.  If not, use the stop-light method and call out ‘RED’ when you are pushed beyond your limits.

Every Dominant is different, but this should keep you from pissing off yours and letting you enjoy your time.  Let the play happen and follow directions.

Have fun and I’ll see you at the other end of the flog.

Miss R from the Leathermines.

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