the Leathermines

To the beginning of the story in Z-Grade Movies

They led us to a cave entrance that had a jumble of mining equipment, horses, and men.  Most of the men were in shackles and chains.

He waited just behind one of carts filled with rocks.  He reached up and grabbed a rock and looked at it while he was hidden.  It had sparks of other colors in it, and he shook his head.  He whispered, “Can’t tell if it is gold, but they are working those fellas hard.”

I nodded, my eye having been caught by his horse being taken to one of the carts, a harness going over the slightly skittish beast to make him pull the weight.  The band across his chest was where the clean place had been that morning.  “They used your horse last night.”

There was a scowl.  “This is just wrong.  Those men don’t look like prisoners.  They must have been kidnapped like I almost was.”

There was a small bell and a man in a better coat and a bowler came out of the cave.  There was some low talk, and then we could hear, “He needs this shipment.  Get it going.”

We watched as several of the carts were wrapped up to cover the ore rock, horses hitched up, and some boxes strapped to the sides.  As the carts headed out, a jostle started something, one of the boxes projecting light and a small amount of smoke coming out of it.  They stopped the cart and stopped the light show before moving on.

“Pause.”

I did and he was able to slowly move around the area a bit.  We talked about the light show covering up the ore going through the city at night.  We talked about how to get the prisoners out of their chains.  And then, I saw a ‘are you still watching?’ pop up and knew we had to restart things.  He was back in position and I continued the video.

He snuck up on the one guard that was left, knocking him to the ground.  He wrapped rope around his arms and legs, stuffing a bandana into his mouth.  The keys were used to unlock the prisoners, some bolting into the night.  Several of then headed into the cave, more men coming out, including another guard being dragged behind them.

So, scene of prisoners catching up to the ore carts.  Scene of small firefight.  Scene of the Sheriff coming out of his jail and looking between the two groups.  Sheriff sides with My Guy.  Fight, fight, fight, My Guy wins.

The Sun is coming up as the prisoners are talking to the Sheriff, the Sheriff apologizing for having to go with the Bad Guys.  Whatever.  Change of heart stuff doesn’t impress me.  My Main Guy unhitches his horse and brushes the dirt from it.  He doesn’t have his saddle, but that doesn’t matter. The townspeople start coming out, amazed at what they are seeing.  More apologies.

The Sheriff came up to My Guy and started talking.  “I knew something was different about you.  We have been under that gang for months.  I-“  He looked down to the ground, embarrassed.  “They said take the money or die, so I took the money.”  He held out his hand.

I thought he was going to let the Sheriff just hang.  He didn’t, but it was a perfunctory shake before he just tipped his hat and started walking out of town, the bridle of the horse in his hand.

Sweep of music, walking into the sun…  And a great smile on his face.  He turned and said over his shoulder, “See you next time.”

I sat there for a while even after the credits stopped.

Next time?

Back to the beginning of the Slow Western

The scene of him riding along on his horse was magnificent.  Whoever did the cinematography for the outdoor things was really good.

He came to the spring, and obvious campsite there.  He set up a camp and sat and looked at the screen.

He had no pretensions when he started talking.  “That was really spooky, mate.  Do you think it was ghosts?”

“I don’t know.  It might be what they want you to think.  Western America was full of strange things, but that just was weird.  And the way the town just shut down.  And the way they got you out…”

He took a swig of water from his metal cup.    “Something just isn’t right there.”  He downed the rest of the water.  “And this is a trap.”

I looked at the screen and saw what he saw.  The camp was not clean enough, if that makes sense.  Like several people had used it, but didn’t have time to clean it up before they left.  The fire ring had half-burned logs in it before he had started the fire.  There were scraps of clothing hanging over a palette-like piece of fence, a small toolbox under a low scrub brush near the spring.

I could see some of the pieces, and said, “Whatever is going on, you need a plan.”

He looked up into the darkening sky and back at the screen.  “Do the pause thing.”

I did, and we talked.  We talked about the situation in town.  Everything the ghosts could have been.  Where the red dirt could have been from on the horse.  We even talked about the steaks we had eaten.  And then we talked about the other movies.  It was…nice.  It had been a long time since I had been able to just have a conversation, and this felt so real.  But I saw we had been talking for 45 minutes with the streaming on pause and knew we had to get the rest of the movie dealt with.

“Ready?”  He nodded slightly and I unpaused it.

We had made a plan.  He tamped down the fire and made the bedroll look like there was someone in it.  He lay under some of the scrub brush and waited.  In movie time, it isn’t too long before the horse reacted to something and a few figures came into camp.  The low, red glow from the coals in the fire pit showed it was a few of the guys that had confronted Him in the hotel.

I whispered, “Two from the spring, I think one from the big rocks.”  He nodded and stayed where he was.

One of the guys knelt before pushing down on where His head would have been, pulling the blanket off the rock figure.  He was confused for a moment and then started looking around.  “He’s not here!  Look around.  He woulnd’a left his horse.”

They looked around, but didn’t see him at all.  They gathered up the horse and some of the other stuff and went into the darkness.  He waited for a moment and then said into the dirt, “You were right.  Let’s follow them.”

Slow Western part 5 ahead

Beginning of the z-Grade Adventures

I’m not really into Westerns.  I have seen the ‘classics’, most of them the so-called Spaghetti Westerns.  And Paint Your Wagon.

But this was different.  It had the actor who seemed to be able to see me in the grade-Z movies I had been watching.  I had to see if it would happen again.

I had some ‘Cowboy Style’ steak and beans, Pupper more interested in the beans than the steak.  I guess Coffee is a human thing.  I had a specially purchased whisky, a little bit poured out into a coffee mug because I don’t have shot glasses.  I found the movie on the streaming site and delved into it.

This…  This was a real movie.  It began with a sunrise with Him riding his horse against the pinks and yellows in the sky.  There was a light music with bird and cow sounds over it.  The title came up but was not splashy, just the title in a corner of the screen so as not to compete with the scene.  I chewed on the meat and watched as His character rode into a dusty town.

There were scenes of the town waking up, boards being taken down from windows, doors being unbolted.  Suspicious looks towards the Main character were really obvious.  He stopped in front of the hotel, tying the horses’ lead to the post there.  There was a guy in a chair out front who seemed to be napping, even as the others around him were being active.

The Main started towards the front door of the hotel, his saddle bags over his shoulder.  The man in the chair pushed his hat up and started some banter with Him.  There was something about not wanting strangers to stay too long, trying to put him off from staying there.  Our Main thanked the guy in the chair and went in anyway.

The clerk was nervous, but ‘found’ a room and handed over the key, after asking for payment in advance.  Some coin was put on the counter, the clerk looking at it and seemingly not wanting to take it.  The Main ambled up the stairs towards his room.

At this point, I was both hooked and anxious.  It wasn’t my typical type of movie, and I could not tell what was coming next.  I guess that is why I like the schlock movies.  They are so similar that you can predict so much about them most of the time.  This was slower and was unfamiliar.

Though, I was distracted from some of that as he took a bath. Um…  I didn’t mind that it was slow at that point.  He had his saddle bags over the end of the bed, a revolver showing from a holster on a belt next to the bags.  He was in a little copper bath thing that had barely enough room for his legs and butt while he was sitting there.  And cloudy water. And naked.  Naked Butt when he stood from the tub, water dripping from his skin…

I heard myself say, “oh, my.”  And I think I saw him do a little hip wiggle.  I giggled and ate more of the cooling food on my coffee table.

I almost went back to see that, again.

He was dressed and looked quite presentable as he was in the hotel lobby.  He was met by several not so presentable guys blocking his way.  The clerk was not behind the counter.

There was a scene where the other guys tried to bully Him into leaving the town, He wasn’t having any of it and quietly asked them to move.  It looked like it was going to be a fight when the Sheriff came in the door, the other guys becoming all ‘shucks!  we ain’t doing nu’ton.’  The Sheriff did the crossed his arms and watch the guys shuffle out thing and then turned to our Main.

Whatever nice-nice the Sheriff was projecting was gone.

Part Two of Western Adventure

Back to Part One

Music Swells!  The Bad Guy Theme!  Clunking and grinding and metallic noises that those inside the ship were reacting to.  And Miss Breasts had her moment, grabbing a HUGE laser rifle and standing in front of the door.  Oh, my.

“Let them come through this!”

I let loose a ‘Hubba Hubba!’, the Captain turning his head to the screen and nodding, a wide-eyed, appreciative look on his face.  He stood behind her and tried not to grin as they waited for the airlock to open.

It was obvious to me, but I am sure the characters didn’t see it.  The Captain was right next to one of these strangely convenient computer screens.  And I saw a shot showing the airlock cycling, and a few buttons on the screen.

This was something I had to think about, and I watched as the Bad Guy opened the airlock door into the ship, several soldier types behind him.  He did a rant about having been stollen from, that he wanted what was his, etc..  And I saw The Big Move.  And it  wasn’t happening.

I paused the movie right there.  Something was not quite right.  The Bad Guy was certain to take the cute Creature and then kill the people on the ship.  That was unsatisfying.

And, I saw the eyes of the Main dart around.  While paused.

“Can you hear me?”  He made a small nod.  “Good.  This is dangerous, but you can blast him out the airlock.”

His eyes went big, glancing towards the computer screen.  “Uncouple the port, close the inner door, and use the stabilizing jets to push away.  I can do that.”

“Good luck.”

There was a nod from him, and a wink before I unpaused the movie.

It jerked a little in the video, but the Captain moved slightly and said, “Hold onto something.”

There was a shot of the Creatures’ eyes peering up at the Captains face from inside the shirt.  MY HEART!

The Captains hand flew to the computer screen, tapping several things before the Bad Guy could do anything.  The cape the Bad Guy was wearing caught in the inner door as the venting of the atmosphere in the airlock pulled everyone in the airlock out into space.  There were shots of the jets pushing the ships apart, and the Bad Guy hanging onto his cape as the ships drifted apart.  There was a pause in the music as the close up of the Bad Guys hand clutching at the cape loosened and let go.

Everyone in the ship seemed stunned.  “That worked,” came from the Captain.  It was a beat, but he had an authoritative voice when he said, “Lets get his barge moving!  I don’t know if they are going to pursue us!”

Montage with exciting music of them rushing to get the ship moving and around the asteroids and through space was a little jumbled, but I don’t think they expecting to do it.

The last scene was the ship landing at a space port on a planet, with the Scientists on the gangplank onto the surface.  There was a very bright sun rising, lighting everything harshly.  There were hand shakes and some banter.  And The Creature would not come off of the Captain.  Not that I would, either, but… Ahem.

“So, Boss, what are we going to do now?”  The crew, led by Miss Breasts stood behind the Captain, looking expectantly at him.

I giggled.  I called out, “Get drunk.”

He smiled and nodded.  “Get Drunk.”  There was a cheer from the crew as they started out to find a bar on this space port.  The Captain hung back and looked at the screen.  I swear he looked at me, and at the Pupper, before saying, “Thank you.”

The music became all cheerful and the credits started scrolling as the camera followed him down the gangplank and putting his arm around the Gruff Engineer as they walked away into the rising sun.

I sat there for a while even after the credits had stopped.  It had been a better than average b-movie, and I think the character likes…

I think I saw him in a Western, too.

Western Adventure

Beginning of the Grade-z movies

The Pupper was in his silver walking jacket, I was in my unicorn onesy.  It was formal tonight.  I had found another video on streaming for that one actor, but this time, he was leading a cast of people though a space adventure.

The splash page on the streaming service had stars and blasters and a ship going through space.  His face and the breast of a female side kick were superimposed, a man in a flowing cape menacingly looked from one corner.

This was going to be awful.  I loved it!

The set-up was a little slow, but most Sci-Fi movies are.  They have to show some spectacular invention or tech to make things somewhat believable.  This one had a crew going on a trade run, and the engines go weird.  The banter wasn’t too bad, and Miss Breasts actually had some of the good lines.  Then the second plot point, and I thought I knew what was coming.  There was a distress beacon which they followed, the engines threatening to give out at any moment.  I liked how the Gruff Engineer was portrayed.  He even looked like he knew what was going on when he handled his tools.  They found a ship with obvious damage, a few survivors on board.  And they seemed like a strange combination of Wealthy Tourist and Scientist.

I yelled at the screen, “Don’t let them bring the luggage!”  

Our Main, who happened to be the Captain this time, stopped and pointed at the luggage the rescued people were lugging with them in the airlock. “Anything to declare?”

I laughed.  I saw a smirk of a smile before he went all serious again.

The people were nervous, but looked between each other and opened up the large piece of luggage.  There was a pause, a swell of music, and then a shot into the opened case.  Something moved inside, and then it turned to the camera…

IT WAS SO CUTE!!!  The eyes!  The speckled scales!  The tail that wrapped around the Captains wrist!  The swell of lullaby inspired music.

But, It couldn’t last.  The Pursued Scientists held the last of a species that the unannounced Bad Guy was after.  They had been attacked and left for dead until they had seen the sputtering engine signature of the …  Well, you know.  Technobabble to make it seem ‘real’.

I sighed and said, “Enough of the exposition.  We get it.”

I heard a short chuckle from our Captain and he raised his hand.  The look on the Scientists face was almost hurt.  “If your pursuer is close, he could have heard your distress beacon.  We should get anything useable from your ship and get going.”

THE MOST SENSIBLE OF STATEMENTS!  I heard my self say, “Yes!” And he side eyed the screen as the ‘fix the engine/ransack the other ship montage’ began.

The Creature stayed on the Captain from then on.  Little chirping noises, big eyes, cute ‘I brought you dis’ moments.  It was almost TOO MUCH, but I loved it.  The crew and their new passengers were underway again, a few good moments of banter between one of the Scientists and the Gruff Engineer making me laugh.

Then, the music changed.  I called out, “Bad Guy Approaching!”

They were in the middle of a dinner thing, with candles.  Really?  Candles in space?  I know it is a mood thing, and supposed to show some sort of poverty, but wouldn’t harsh led lighting-  But anyways, when I called out, the Captains head came up and Looked At The Screen.  His face was full of food.  He spat it out and turned to a strangely close computer screen within his reach.  He looked at the screen and pushed buttons.

“Looks like we have a ship coming up behind us.  Can’t get a fix.”

There was chaos.  People on one side of the ship running to the other side and back.  It was hilarious.

Then, The speakers came on and the deep voice of the Bad Guy came through.  “Prepared to be boarded and hand over my property.”

The Captain looked at the head Scientist and said, “His property?”

Insert scene of backpedaling Scientist admitting they had stollen a genetically modified Creature that held the secrets of the Bad Guys civilization… or something.  They tried to cram too much stuff into that.  I think the Captain heard me grumble and the look on his face stopped the Scientist as the incredulous look and squint made it clear that it was unbelievable even to the Grade-z movie veteran.

There was no time to let the explanation go on, anyway and the proximity alarm, which is the same horrible klaxon in every movie, sounded.  The crew had already been doing the ‘batten down the space hatches’ and the Scientists buckled themselves into the dining benches, which looked like they were just old 50’s diner benches placed on set.  Special effects, sound, music, a few shots across the bow and the Captain ordered evasive maneuvers.

I must say the sudden asteroid belt and chase through it was quite good.  They even were shooting the asteroids in their path as much as the Bad Guy’s ship.  Or at least trying.

And then, Space Laser Net!

I laughed my ass off as the little ship was caught in this glowing thing and dragged to the bigger ship.  Not inside, but to a port on the side.

OH! I have to mention that the Creature was  holding onto the Captains neck with its tail for most of the chase, except for once when a blast was too close and it went down his shirt.  So Cute!  And, well…

Ahem.

Part Two Of Space Adventure

The thing about streaming services is the abundance of B- through Z- grade movies.  I love them.  If it wasn’t for searching for the very cheesiest movies out there, I would never have found Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  Or Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter(which is a musical).  Or…

You get the idea.

Some people watch Cheers or Friends on a loop.  My Mom does Murder She Wrote.  I do horror films that are horrific.  Tropes?  Bring them on!  Canned music?  The best around!  The same character names used over and over?  Sure, Brad, go pick up Betty for a night on the town!

I have a big screen tv, the type that makes you wish you had friends to help you move it, and that is just in the same room.  I have a couch that is full of pillows and blankets, mainly because I tend to conk out while watching these things and it is just comfier.  And the dog, a little pug-chihuahua mix with breathing problems and an attitude.    He doesn’t like it when I dress him up, but he will suffer and sit next to me as I watch the screen.

Sitting down to tonights movie, I had my ‘dinner’, read chips and salsa, because salsa is vegetables, and a beer.  I don’t really drink, but a friend had dropped off a care package and along with some other things, there was a six pack of Corona.  So, I felt all thematic and found a movie about some people who were digging up Aztec ruins, and about to suffer for it.

It was AWFUL!  I LOVED IT!

Except…

When I giggled at the Buxom Sidekick Archeologist being squeamish about worms, the Main character side-eyed the screen and nodded.  And then, when the costumed killer pushed the Buff yet Tender hired mercenary into a pit of spikes, scorpions, and alligators (really?), I called out, “Yes!”, and the main character stopped and said, “I never did like him.  Now I don’t have to pay him.”

The stereotypical Sex At An Inappropriate Moment scene was coming.  The Buxom Sidekick Archeologist was putting the moves on the Main character, who, I would say was a delightful combination of Strong Jawline and Bespectacled Nerd.  She was all, ‘I’m so scared!  Hold me!’ and I called out, ‘Don’t do it man!  The killer will hack her to death before she gets her boobs out!’

The Main actually stopped and sighed this painful sigh and pushed her away.  “We don’t have time for this if we are to live until daybreak.”  She looked… confused, but stuck with him as they were crawling their way out of the cave they had fallen into.

I saw the Bad Guy Is About To Trap Them coming.  It was just a glimpse of the really bad feather mask fading into the darkness of the cave in front of them, but it was so obvious!  There were two tunnels, one looking like it went up, one kinda not so friendly and going down.  He held the flickering electric torch (yes, flashlight in British English because he let slip his London accent a few times over his Southern drawl.  So cute!) and swung it to the tunnel that led up.  That was the way the Bad Guy had gone.

I yelled at the screen, waking Pupper, and called out, “Don’t go in there!  The killers in there!”

He stopped!  He moved the light from one tunnel entrance to the other and then looked down in the sand floor.  He saw the footsteps(and I think it was a Nike sneaker foot print), and said, “Thanks for the heads up!”  He turned to the screen and gave a thumbs up.

I sat there.  Just watching.  I…  Could not believe what had just happened.

The Buxom whatever gave him a strange look, but followed him into the other tunnel.  A few moments later, I watched the feather mask Bad Guy come out of the Obvious Trap tunnel and look after the two.  He even shrugged.

The movie ended with a sunrise over a mountain that looked more like Italy than Qxiuatl. The two who survived stood at the entrance of a cave, the pink and gold colors bright on their dirty faces.  They looked tired, but Main character put his arm around the shoulder of the Buxom thing and said, “We survived.  Now we need to make sure no one else gets taken by the curse.”  He then looked at the screen and said, “Thank you.”

Before I could stop myself, I said, “You are welcome.”  He winked at me and turned back to looking into the really bright sun.  I collapsed in a fit of giggles.

I have never been able to find that one again.  But, I think I found one with the same actor in a space thriller.  I wonder…

Space Adventure