Beginning of the Grade-z movies
The Pupper was in his silver walking jacket, I was in my unicorn onesy. It was formal tonight. I had found another video on streaming for that one actor, but this time, he was leading a cast of people though a space adventure.
The splash page on the streaming service had stars and blasters and a ship going through space. His face and the breast of a female side kick were superimposed, a man in a flowing cape menacingly looked from one corner.
This was going to be awful. I loved it!
The set-up was a little slow, but most Sci-Fi movies are. They have to show some spectacular invention or tech to make things somewhat believable. This one had a crew going on a trade run, and the engines go weird. The banter wasn’t too bad, and Miss Breasts actually had some of the good lines. Then the second plot point, and I thought I knew what was coming. There was a distress beacon which they followed, the engines threatening to give out at any moment. I liked how the Gruff Engineer was portrayed. He even looked like he knew what was going on when he handled his tools. They found a ship with obvious damage, a few survivors on board. And they seemed like a strange combination of Wealthy Tourist and Scientist.
I yelled at the screen, “Don’t let them bring the luggage!”
Our Main, who happened to be the Captain this time, stopped and pointed at the luggage the rescued people were lugging with them in the airlock. “Anything to declare?”
I laughed. I saw a smirk of a smile before he went all serious again.
The people were nervous, but looked between each other and opened up the large piece of luggage. There was a pause, a swell of music, and then a shot into the opened case. Something moved inside, and then it turned to the camera…
IT WAS SO CUTE!!! The eyes! The speckled scales! The tail that wrapped around the Captains wrist! The swell of lullaby inspired music.
But, It couldn’t last. The Pursued Scientists held the last of a species that the unannounced Bad Guy was after. They had been attacked and left for dead until they had seen the sputtering engine signature of the … Well, you know. Technobabble to make it seem ‘real’.
I sighed and said, “Enough of the exposition. We get it.”
I heard a short chuckle from our Captain and he raised his hand. The look on the Scientists face was almost hurt. “If your pursuer is close, he could have heard your distress beacon. We should get anything useable from your ship and get going.”
THE MOST SENSIBLE OF STATEMENTS! I heard my self say, “Yes!” And he side eyed the screen as the ‘fix the engine/ransack the other ship montage’ began.
The Creature stayed on the Captain from then on. Little chirping noises, big eyes, cute ‘I brought you dis’ moments. It was almost TOO MUCH, but I loved it. The crew and their new passengers were underway again, a few good moments of banter between one of the Scientists and the Gruff Engineer making me laugh.
Then, the music changed. I called out, “Bad Guy Approaching!”
They were in the middle of a dinner thing, with candles. Really? Candles in space? I know it is a mood thing, and supposed to show some sort of poverty, but wouldn’t harsh led lighting- But anyways, when I called out, the Captains head came up and Looked At The Screen. His face was full of food. He spat it out and turned to a strangely close computer screen within his reach. He looked at the screen and pushed buttons.
“Looks like we have a ship coming up behind us. Can’t get a fix.”
There was chaos. People on one side of the ship running to the other side and back. It was hilarious.
Then, The speakers came on and the deep voice of the Bad Guy came through. “Prepared to be boarded and hand over my property.”
The Captain looked at the head Scientist and said, “His property?”
Insert scene of backpedaling Scientist admitting they had stollen a genetically modified Creature that held the secrets of the Bad Guys civilization… or something. They tried to cram too much stuff into that. I think the Captain heard me grumble and the look on his face stopped the Scientist as the incredulous look and squint made it clear that it was unbelievable even to the Grade-z movie veteran.
There was no time to let the explanation go on, anyway and the proximity alarm, which is the same horrible klaxon in every movie, sounded. The crew had already been doing the ‘batten down the space hatches’ and the Scientists buckled themselves into the dining benches, which looked like they were just old 50’s diner benches placed on set. Special effects, sound, music, a few shots across the bow and the Captain ordered evasive maneuvers.
I must say the sudden asteroid belt and chase through it was quite good. They even were shooting the asteroids in their path as much as the Bad Guy’s ship. Or at least trying.
And then, Space Laser Net!
I laughed my ass off as the little ship was caught in this glowing thing and dragged to the bigger ship. Not inside, but to a port on the side.
OH! I have to mention that the Creature was holding onto the Captains neck with its tail for most of the chase, except for once when a blast was too close and it went down his shirt. So Cute! And, well…
Ahem.
Comments (0)