The thing about streaming services is the abundance of B- through Z- grade movies. I love them. If it wasn’t for searching for the very cheesiest movies out there, I would never have found Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Or Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter(which is a musical). Or…
You get the idea.
Some people watch Cheers or Friends on a loop. My Mom does Murder She Wrote. I do horror films that are horrific. Tropes? Bring them on! Canned music? The best around! The same character names used over and over? Sure, Brad, go pick up Betty for a night on the town!
I have a big screen tv, the type that makes you wish you had friends to help you move it, and that is just in the same room. I have a couch that is full of pillows and blankets, mainly because I tend to conk out while watching these things and it is just comfier. And the dog, a little pug-chihuahua mix with breathing problems and an attitude. He doesn’t like it when I dress him up, but he will suffer and sit next to me as I watch the screen.
Sitting down to tonights movie, I had my ‘dinner’, read chips and salsa, because salsa is vegetables, and a beer. I don’t really drink, but a friend had dropped off a care package and along with some other things, there was a six pack of Corona. So, I felt all thematic and found a movie about some people who were digging up Aztec ruins, and about to suffer for it.
It was AWFUL! I LOVED IT!
Except…
When I giggled at the Buxom Sidekick Archeologist being squeamish about worms, the Main character side-eyed the screen and nodded. And then, when the costumed killer pushed the Buff yet Tender hired mercenary into a pit of spikes, scorpions, and alligators (really?), I called out, “Yes!”, and the main character stopped and said, “I never did like him. Now I don’t have to pay him.”
The stereotypical Sex At An Inappropriate Moment scene was coming. The Buxom Sidekick Archeologist was putting the moves on the Main character, who, I would say was a delightful combination of Strong Jawline and Bespectacled Nerd. She was all, ‘I’m so scared! Hold me!’ and I called out, ‘Don’t do it man! The killer will hack her to death before she gets her boobs out!’
The Main actually stopped and sighed this painful sigh and pushed her away. “We don’t have time for this if we are to live until daybreak.” She looked… confused, but stuck with him as they were crawling their way out of the cave they had fallen into.
I saw the Bad Guy Is About To Trap Them coming. It was just a glimpse of the really bad feather mask fading into the darkness of the cave in front of them, but it was so obvious! There were two tunnels, one looking like it went up, one kinda not so friendly and going down. He held the flickering electric torch (yes, flashlight in British English because he let slip his London accent a few times over his Southern drawl. So cute!) and swung it to the tunnel that led up. That was the way the Bad Guy had gone.
I yelled at the screen, waking Pupper, and called out, “Don’t go in there! The killers in there!”
He stopped! He moved the light from one tunnel entrance to the other and then looked down in the sand floor. He saw the footsteps(and I think it was a Nike sneaker foot print), and said, “Thanks for the heads up!” He turned to the screen and gave a thumbs up.
I sat there. Just watching. I… Could not believe what had just happened.
The Buxom whatever gave him a strange look, but followed him into the other tunnel. A few moments later, I watched the feather mask Bad Guy come out of the Obvious Trap tunnel and look after the two. He even shrugged.
The movie ended with a sunrise over a mountain that looked more like Italy than Qxiuatl. The two who survived stood at the entrance of a cave, the pink and gold colors bright on their dirty faces. They looked tired, but Main character put his arm around the shoulder of the Buxom thing and said, “We survived. Now we need to make sure no one else gets taken by the curse.” He then looked at the screen and said, “Thank you.”
Before I could stop myself, I said, “You are welcome.” He winked at me and turned back to looking into the really bright sun. I collapsed in a fit of giggles.
I have never been able to find that one again. But, I think I found one with the same actor in a space thriller. I wonder…
Comments (0)