FAQ

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Why Miss R is a Dom

July 31, 2020 / Miss R posted in Article / No Comments

Good. Let's start. On your knees. Good Pet.

I call myself a Dom. Not Domme, as many would prefer if they were showing as female. I have a bit of a thing about the mispronunciation of Domme, as it is the same as Dom, not Dommy or other mispronunciation.

But that is not why I am in the position I am in.

When I was young, and finding that the various Kinks in BdSm were not just interesting, but what I wanted in my life, I had a very big stumbling block. I am older than most people really think, and at the time I was exploring what sexuality and Kink were, the media was against what I was.

I am a larger woman. Have been for most of my life. When I was starting in the community, I was underage and precocious. This meant I would just do things to find out what it was like and be thrilled to ‘get away with it’. BUT! I also had the background of research so I would read and watch the media available at the time to see what things were ‘supposed’ to be like. In the late 70’s to early 80’s this was primarily really bad porn, Gay magazines, or popular culture. I was hardly represented in any of these.

I finally found some magazines that had women of my similar shape. Doing things that were like what I wanted to explore. Unfortunately, all the women who were my proxy were the slaves. And I mean slaves. Not bottoms. Not subs. The only way a fat girl could participate, according to the media I was able to find, was to be completely subjugated and used.

I believed it.

And, as it happens far too often, a man who had proclaimed himself as a Dom saw that I was exploring, and took advantage of me. There were a few discussions, a few sessions, and I thought what he was doing was what I deserved.

There weren’t any negotiations. Everything that was done skirted every piece of safety I have learned since. Including the psychological component he used to keep me in my place.

He was an abuser.

The night I changed how I was going to interact with the Kink community was the night I walked away from him. Physically walked away. With only a bathrobe around me.

He let me think that being a woman, I could not be in charge. He made me believe that being fat meant I could not make my own decisions. He followed thru by subverting the trust I had with him. That symbol I had around my neck, deniable if someone asked, burned with the oppression of his misguided hand. I was a toy for him, and he tried to break his toy.

It was a night like some others. I had been able to get out of the house without anyone noticing. He picked me up in his vehicle. We went to a new place. I was told to go into the bedroom and get ready. I went down to skin and collar, as his protocol demanded. I knelt and waited.

This was the night he had brought others. This was the night he had gone beyond all bounds and told me he was going to ‘share’ me. There had not been a discussion. I was told.

I was lucky. I was able to make a small excuse to stand and go to the other room. All my stuff was in that bedroom. There was a bathrobe that I took. I left the collar. I walked home.

I was 16.

That night, as I was feeling the loss of something that had not been comfortable, but had been familiar, I changed. I walked and thought, and cried, and yelled. I changed how I saw people. I tried to change how I saw myself. It has been a battle even before that night, and it will always be a battle.

I am Miss R. I am a Dom. I will not let anyone unworthy hold my leash ever again, and I will always strive to be worthy to hold the leashes I am given.

The development of fetishes

April 13, 2020 / Miss R posted in Article / No Comments

Kinks are part of our lives, whether we wish for them or not. The human brain fixates on things. It is how we develop and learn. When things become a ‘chase’ for resources, those scarce things become a fixation, and can lead to some fetishes that might be hard to understand.

Throughout the ages, scarcity has led to fetishism of the scarce thing. From the obvious ‘exotic’ people who are different from those you are used to being around, to items that are imported and as such are rare or things that used to be common, but because of adversity has become scarce. The use of the rare thing has created fetishes throughout the centuries, some of which are quite bizarre.

For an example, because of rationing during the World Wars, food became quite an element in fetish play in Britain. Smoshing raised in prominence for the use of the rationed food items that could be found, wasting them in a sexualized way. The use of canned beans for sitting in, or spreading on feet combined several fetishes and made the rare thing, the rationed food, the star.

In the age of consumerism we are in, the Covid-19 epidemic has created another wave of scarcity. I have already seen toilet paper pornography, emphasizing the non-standard use and waste of a thing we used to take for granted. It has also raised the awareness of a few things that are tangental, such as infantilism with the use of adult diapers. The human mind is associative, and the lack of something makes the need to have it a driving primal force, and that muddies its self with other primal needs, which makes for sexual associations and kinks with the thing we are striving to find.

The cleanliness that protecting ourselves needs to work has also led to ‘dirty’ and ‘bug chasing’ videos becoming more popular. It isn’t the non-use of condoms I am talking about, it is a rash of amateur videos of people who say they have Covid-19 having sex with other people. There have always been bug-chasers, but this one is being documented. Not only is it dangerous, it is a way of mainstreaming that dangerous kink by having pretty people having sex for your entertainment.

In the future, there will be other things that are ‘exotic’ or become scarce. Those will then fold into the fetishes that are already there, with unknown waves of use and knowledge to effect what we do with that kink. We shall see.

Wash your hands.

Defining a Dom

February 28, 2020 / Miss R posted in Article / No Comments

The media gives a common vision of what someone who is Dominant does and is in todays society. It is good to have a starting point that is common, but the compare/contrast on what a Dominant actually is and does is far more nuanced than the images of Lady Heather or Christian Grey we have been given. How do we know who is Dominant if not with these common images?

To be Dominant, it takes knowledge and techniques to be able to showcase that dominance. We see the leather, the lace, the whips and chains. But, it would not work without the submissive in the relationship. Everyone is different, and every Dominant/submissive relationship is different. Yes, there is a penchant for dark humor and perhaps a little more giggling at others’ pain than is the median today, but, just like every interaction, the way a Dominant controls their submissive really is based on how that submissive allows themselves to be controlled.

Got you there, didn’t I.

It is the coin-sides of the Play we call Kink. You cannot have one side without the other, and the commonality that binds them together. You can have a simple D/s interaction just about anywhere without the obvious trappings we have come to expect. It takes communication between the people involved before and during, and that is what the media just doesn’t let us see. Without knowing the proper buttons to push, what makes it a good push, and what makes it a bad one, it will fall flat. Talking before a session or interaction is how you explore how a Dominant can control the submissive with them. Knowing that words have power, calling someone a sissy, may make them smile, it may make them get angry. Depending on the reaction wanted, both are good. It is the skilled Dominant that can use those reactions to push the submissive’s fantasy.

The physical techniques a Dominant uses, from Shibari rope work, through use of flogs and whips, to the ability to wrestle their submissive into a real submissive pose, are all flashy, and what people visually seek out. In some circumstances, such as open play parties, just having the physical nature of Dominance on display is what is needed, and wanted. It is what is beyond the snap of the whip and the hurting knees landing on the concrete floor that keeps a submissive coming back to a particular Dominant. From the outside, it may all look the same. From within the interaction, it can run hot, or cold.

How to define a Dom? Someone who can control with a word, a look, a flick of a finger. Because those are the things the submissive sees, and reacts to.

Kneel before me. 😉

Miss R

Fact Sheet – Aftercare

January 3, 2020 / Miss R posted in FAQ / No Comments

Fact Sheet - AfterCare

When thinking of the Fantasy of an encounter, whether it is a mild flogging, being dressed in the opposite gender's clothing or a hardcore sexual humiliation scene, the Fantasy usually ends with an orgasm, a fuzzy "it will be great" or "Then we go our separate ways". Reality intrudes on so many levels that the ending of the encounter is almost an afterthought in planning. That can be a mistake.

The after scene time is usually referred to as "Aftercare". Different people need and want different levels of aftercare and that can change from scene to scene as well as day to day. It is needed to let the people involved check how they are doing physically, emotionally and mentally before going into any other activities. Pushing yourself or your partner to do something right after a scene can be hard and can make the other person feel stressed in ways that can break a relationship. Headspace can linger for quite some time to the point that driving can be dangerous, so Aftercare has to be considered in the length of time you commit for your session.

Many people believe that aftercare is only for the sub or bottom. I do not believe this is true. The person leading the scene, the Top or Dom, can need a period of time to cool down, cuddle, be alone or whatever to recenter after a scene. If you are that Top, think about your needs for after the scene before it happens.

There are times when a scene feels great and is working out wonderfully until just after. This can mean that Aftercare should have been included in the negotiations. Aftercare is something that needs to be negotiated as much as the scene it's self. If you are dealing with someone who does not 'do' aftercare, make sure that you take care of yourself or have someone else available to do so.

Aftercare can be as simple as a hug to reconnect as people and friends and as complicated as blankets, showers and a nap. If you haven't had a scene yet, or you have had the after scene let down often, think about how you like to be treated or pampered after you have orgasmed or worked out for a lengthy time. That should tell you what you may need for an after scene 'cool down'.

Before you negotiate, here are a few questions to help you ask for what you need.

Now that you have read thru this, what 'Aftercare' questions should you ask of your partner?

Have you had or included Aftercare in scenes before?

Who do you prefer to administer your Aftercare? Your self, a partner, someone else, or haven't you thought about it?

What do you need, or think you would need, for your Aftercare(you can have multiple answers)? This can include so many levels and things to use. Consider blankets, hugs, sitting, being alone, shower/rinse off, alcohol, screaming, crying, cigarette, massage...

Have you had instances where you needed Aftercare that you did not receive? What would have made it better?

If you are at a Play Party, what things will you need to bring to have a good Aftercare session? What do you not want to happen during Aftercare at a Play Party?

Fact Sheet- How to plan a Play Party

April 17, 2012 / Miss R posted in Article, FAQ / No Comments

I have had experience planning, and hosting play parties. Some were very successful, some I have carefully forgotten. Well, not completely forgotten, for if you do not learn from your mistakes, you are bound to repeat them.

The best way to plan a Play party is to know what you want out of it. Is it a Dom tea party? Is it a video watching party? Buffet served on naked subs? Touchy-feelly or stand off and watch others? Think about this as you plan.

Do you have a place to hold a play party? If you don’t, that kind of puts a kink, as it were, into the whole idea. Space wise, if there will be any real play between people, bondage, flogging, etc., plan on about 25 square feet per couple at full play. Sounds like a lot, but consider that is only a space 4 feet by 5 feet, slightly larger than the footprint of a loveseat. Split up the combined area into play, watching and rest and you may need a fairly substantial space. »Read More

Tribute

September 4, 2011 / Miss R posted in FAQ / No Comments

If you wish to make tribute to Miss R, please keep in mind that she has specific tastes, though a membership to this site may not be personal enough for your tastes. Here are a few pointers.

Miss R’s measurements are... not really applicable.

She does wear (depending on the manufacturer) 38DDD, 40 DD or 40 DDD
(please note that DDD can also be F in some manufacturing)

Miss R generally wears size 22(US)/42(Euro) dress size, though pants sometimes are better in a 24/44.

Foot size dramatically varies from manufacturer to manufacturer, for example, Miss R has a set of low heeled pumps purchased in a 10 wide, and she has another set, looks almost the same, and fits almost the same, that is a 12 extra wide. Do not buy Miss R shoes unless she is there with you.

The colors Miss R likes are mostly darker for wearing, the colors for decorating vary from room to room. She stays away from most greens, especially lime...
Silk, linen and other natural fabrics are great, though chiffons are best for lingerie.

Miss R does not wear much jewelry, though she does have some pieces of fine jewelry in her jewelry box. Miss R prefers silver and platinum for metals, plated gold being lowest on the list. Ruby is Miss R's favorite stone, but amber, jet, and onyx are marvelous.

Roses, red and white, and Fuchsias are appropriate.

Chocolate is always welcome, but the quality should be excellent. The preferred flavor is dark, not milk. Crispy Chocolate and flake are current wants.
Other food items that are welcome are coffee(unflavored ground), citrus fruits and spices such as nutmeg and allspice. The Web Mistress likes to make things to nibble on as she writes, so ask what her current cooking project is.

Movies, Music, any media is welcome, though because of the iTunes collection Miss R has at her disposal, suggestions should be garnered before decisions should be made. And iTunes credit is always the right size.

From Miss R - I hope to be registered online with several online shops soon, I will post them when that happens. And always, gift certificates are always welcome.

The Web Mistress now has an OnlyFans page. Subscribe and get something for your self at the same time.

Amazon Wishlist

I am trying out Wishlistr, too

Godiva Chocolatier : The best raspberry cordials - ever
Coffee Bean Direct : Good (unflavored!) coffee at reasonable prices.

A plate with cookies, chocolates and grapes next to a mug of tea

Keep Miss R Writing and doing photo shoots by keeping her amused, and fed

Miss R is available for shopping meetings in the midwest. If you are interested, please apply for the privilege.

To contact Miss R, please email her. Supplicants always welcome.

Miss R’s Bio

September 4, 2011 / Miss R posted in FAQ / No Comments

Miss R has been intrigued and involved with the Fetish subculture for many years. Experiencing both the Top/Domme and bottom/sub roles, She eased into being a full time Domme in the Fetish community over 20 years ago. She has experience with individuals, couples and hosting 'Play Parties' of up to 30 select people.

The Leathermines has been a physical Dungeon on and off for the last few years, changing locations as the economy, and the landlords, changed directions. The latest incarnation has many theme rooms, and several residents. The theme rooms will be showing up in pictures taken of sessions with some of Miss R's willing subs.

Having a varied education, Miss R enjoys being in the company of men and women who, besides deciding to live out erotic and fetish fantasies, can hold a lively and fairly erudite conversation. There is nothing worse than a bored Miss R.

Though She has a stable of subs and a few other Dominants that She works with, Miss R is always looking for eligible clients to see. If an applicant is not what Miss R is looking for, or the client decides that Miss R isn’t right for them, She will refer to someone more appropriate. Having the experience of being the bottom in a scene, She carefully goes through an extensive interview process before accepting any new clients. Bringing out the fantasies, the fears, the expectations of a client is never the same between people, or the same person from session to session. From being an Amazon, an Interrogator or even a Governess, Miss R can help create the fantasy appropriate for each of Her clients.

The physical nature of what is done in a session changes. Miss R has experienced all of what She gives out having been a bottom at one time. Because of the differences in every client, She tries to make sure that the limitations of each client is pushed, not exceeded. This, and safety issues, are always forward in Her mind to keep Her clients, and Herself, from being hurt unnecessarily.

The scenes that Miss R can set up have ranged from simple physical dominance and submission to full Jail scenes and into the Harem. Each has qualities, and experiences, that can enhance the learning of yourself, and your fantasies. If meeting with a couple, each will be expected to have a full individual session with Miss R before having the session together. It is unfair for each of the participants not to be able to fully disclose what they want and need without the individual experience.

For those of you who wish a more personal look into Miss R's life here are a few answers to a few questions:
Miss R is in a committed relationship. She does not have children. She does not smoke and prefers to be around those who do not. She is an omnivore, but understands and appreciates differences in eating regimens. Miss R does not do drugs. Miss R does not drink alcohol, except on very special occasions. Miss R will not have sessions with people who are under the influence of alcohol or medicines, prescription or recreational.

If you wish to know the personal tastes of Miss R further, please go to the Tribute page.

More information can be seen on the original FAQ/ Fact Sheet page. The new FAQ is being built.

If you wish to email Miss R, please use this Contact.

Fact Sheet – Safe Word

August 31, 2011 / Miss R posted in FAQ / No Comments

Safe words are signals to those involved with a scene that something isn’t right. Safety may not seem to be a prime concern to those observing a scene, but without safe words, it can be downright dangerous. It is no fun loosing a partner.

If you are just starting out with fetish play, a simple ‘OW’ may suffice. If saying ow is part of the fun, perhaps something else should be chosen. There are several ways to choose a safe word. Try a word that would not come up in common conversation, like eclipse or birthday. If you have a pet or favorite person, try their name. If you have an ‘in scene’ name, use your real name as your safe word.

Perhaps you cannot think of a safe word, or your partner cannot. Try using the stoplight method.

Red means STOP right now.
Yellow means slow down or back off, but don’t stop.
Green means, it’s o.k., I actually liked it...
And for those who are into more color, Blue can mean, 'What, you hit me?'

Doing what is called a calibration at the beginning can let you know how hard to start out. What would be a 4 on a 1 to 10 scale for one person may be a 9 for another.

If you are into gags, a safe signal should be employed. A small bell, a hand gesture or the ability to undo the bonds are all good ways of having a measure of safety.
If you are the Top/Dom of the scene, please keep in mind that sometimes the people you are with cannot think for themselves while under the influence of endorphins. The damage that you see may not register to your sub/bottom until it is too late. You can call Safeword as much as the person you are with. If they cannot answer you coherently, it is time to call Safeword.
I call Safeword and want you to answer a few questions.

Do you have a Safeword?
Yes ___ No ___

What is your Safe word?
Yes! You must have one! ______

Do you have different Safe words for different situations?
Yes ___ No ___

In what situation would you not want a Safe word?

(Trick question, even consensual non-consent scenes have safe words)

the Leathermines