the Leathermines

From time to time, I get interesting emails. Here is just one...

THE MASSAGE

Dear Miss R,

I have a problem and I would like your help. There is a situation that happened that I am not too sure what to do about. I am a White BBW with long red hair(all natural), not as gorgeous as you, but I believe I can hold my own. I am a Dom by nature which I only realized a few years ago, but have been having great fun with it. The problem is that I had an encounter that has shaken my self image.

I guess the only way to get your help is to tell you what happened.

I was asleep on the table when it happened, or at least that was what I thought at first. No, it really started lots earlier than that.

Rudy and I have known each other for several years. I knew him before he got his massage license, before my divorce, even before I was out of school. We buddied around and I thought that was it.

For several years, Rudy had been massaging me. At first it was for practice before he went for his license. Then I traded him sewing and a few paintings for a massage once in a while. He had been a part of my social life, and the health of my body, for years.

The year of my divorce, The One Who Will Not Be Named and I were invited to a Fourth of July party at Rudy’s place, and knowing he always gave great parties, I wanted to go. TOWWNBN decided he would rather sit in front of the T.V. at the apartment. I went to the party and he stayed home. This was not the first time this type of thing had happened, and there was a real melancholy feeling deep inside me which Rudy picked up on immediately as the door closed behind me.

“Hey, Michelle! What’s wrong?” Rudy handed me a soda and he talked to me for the next half hour, making me smile and joking around so that I didn’t resent that TOWWNBN had made another cutting remark about him being the only guy out there who could stand to look at me as I had gathered things up for the party. Rudy made me comfortable enough to socialize with his other friends and as the party and day went on, I had a downright great time.

I know I had had too much to drink at the party, so I asked to be taken home instead of driving myself. Rudy couldn’t do it himself because he had also had a few too many beers. I put my keys on a hook by the door and turned around into Rudy. Most of the others were outside watching Chuck light off bottle rockets and other illegal fireworks. It was dark there in the living room and being tipsy I grabbed onto Rudy to keep from falling over. He held onto me, and I held onto him, and in the dark, without thinking, I kissed him. And the most amazing thing happened, he kissed me back. We held that kiss for a while and when we broke apart we were both giggling. I felt warm and comfortable in his arms and slept very soundly when I got back to the apartment. The next day, the hangover wiped the memory of it from my conscious mind.

A few days later was when TOWWNBN announced that the five years we had been together was a sham, the one person I wanted to go to for comfort was Rudy, but then I remembered the kiss and was too embarrassed to even call him. I settled for my sister(who said that she never liked what’s his face to begin with) and stayed with her for a few months before I could get back on my own feet.

Because of the uproar in my life, I didn’t get to see many people who I knew for a while, including Rudy. When I did finally see him, he was in the art supply studio I had been hired to manage. We started talking, catching up a bit and I was about to ask him if he remembered the Fourth of July party when his girlfriend walked up. It was a sit-com moment if ever there was one. Or perhaps after school special. He had not had a girlfriend the last time I had seen him. I lamely asked if he was still doing massages and we made an appointment for him to work on my back. Even though I love my sister, and had been out of her guest room for a month, she had the worst pullout couch bed I have ever slept on. I still get twinges if I think about it too hard.

Rudy and I started to have regular appointments for him to work on my back and we started to socialize again. I do have to say that he never outwardly said anything about my Ex, good or bad, after we met up again, and he was the only one. That has always been part of why I am so comfortable around him.

About that time, I started to get these urges. I really wanted to have a naked man tied up on the floor being my footstool. I really couldn’t understand where these impulses were coming from, but my therapist told me that it was natural to want to take control of my life after having been suddenly, traumatically, dumped from what was supposedly a stable relationship. She told me that to take a highly ritualized and sexual act to do so was a good release. Several books were on her bookshelf about the type of thing I had envisioned, dreamed and fantasized about and she let me borrow them.

That was when I found that I was very Dominant. I was lucky enough to be in an area that had monthly meetings of a b/d S/m group. I went to one and knew that was exactly what I wanted. I met several really nice couples and men who brought me into the lifestyle and I never looked back. In fact, I never looked at being a bottom or sub, I was always a Top, a Domme. And I stopped seeing my therapist.

Being the great person he is, Rudy saw the problems I started having with my wrists from using a flogger improperly, and the rub marks from the corset I invested in. I told him I was into a few new hobbies and he let it go at that. He would work on my back, on my wrists and eventually he would do full body massages with me. I realize now that, even with the men I had been trying to date(without the B/d S/m), and the subs I had been using, Rudy was the only one I really had let myself be intimate with, even with the sheet between us. He would ask me how things were going, he would make me laugh and make me feel so much better as his hands relaxed my body.

About two months ago, I was coming home from a playdate(my sister would have a fit if I told her about my playdates when she tells me about her sons'...) when I twisted my knee. There I was, in high heels(one of which was bent beyond repair), a long corset and a trench coat - and nothing else! I was in pain out in the cold at midnight and couldn’t get back to my car let alone to my front door. But I love modern conveniences. I had my cell phone in my pocket and called the first person I thought of. Rudy.

He came to my rescue that late at night. Halfway across the city and it had started drizzling, which I think is how I slipped in the first place. Rudy had come with enough equipment to put my whole body in traction, but it was a simple cane that helped the most. And he kept his mouth shut until we got in the door of my home.

I had to tell him when he asked, “So, what sport uses this for the uniform?” I told him about the playdate and how I had come into being a Dom and so many things that I had been holding back from him. He nodded and all he said was, “Well, at least I can tell the off-color jokes, now.” I backhanded him, gently, on the arm and he smiled as he positioned me on my bed with pillows, ice, the remote and the phone. He even made sure that I was out of the corset before he left me to my own devices that night.

Being my Bud, he made sure that I had gone to the doctor, had my brace and came in to see him at least once a week to keep my progress going. He even came and did the first two weeks’ of massages at my home so that I didn’t have to drive. I hadn't done any permanent damage, but it takes awhile to recover from something like that. Last week I stopped using the cane altogether.

Then what is I think a problem happened. As I said, there I was on the massage table and I thought I was asleep. I say that because Rudy had been working on me, rolling me this way and that, making sure my knee wasn’t twingeing, hunting down sensitive spots, like my butt(sorry, gluteus minimus and maximus) and my shoulder(hard work walking with a cane), and had settled me down on my back for a nappy massage. He calls them that because you tend to go to sleep when he does it. His hands were rhythmically going under my sides up my back up my sides over my chest, up my neck and back under my shoulders to go under my sides... The weight of the soba-filled eye pillow felt massive, the gentle music and water sounds were soothing and I felt like I was drifting on a boat on a lake. I felt, but really didn’t pay attention, when Rudy moved my arms so they were above my head, dangling from the top of the massage table. His oil-slick hands changed the stroke, the rhythm to go down my sides and up my chest, between my breasts. He was slow and deliberate and I felt my breathing follow the motion of his hands.

My mind wandered. I started to feel little sensual pings in my groin, but I knew that except for that kiss two years before, I would have to just imagine what might happen with Rudy. And I did imagine a little and imagined that he would change his hand position and stroke across my nipples, and I could feel it. And I imagined that he would cup my breasts and roll my nipples between his fingers, and I felt the flash of sensation as that happened. And then I felt his lips on mine, but I hadn't imagined it.

I realized that I had been moaning while his hands had been doing just as I thought I had imagined. His warm hands on my breasts had been real and his lips kissing me, and not just the peck on the cheek kind of kiss, was insistent. Demanding. And then I found, Dominant.

He reached down my body with one hand, moved the sheet and started to rub my pubic mound. With his legs leaning against me, he had my arms trapped above my head and I could not move them. I could feel that he was hard and I found that I wanted to rub him, to hold him, to know what his cock looked and felt like. I am a quiet moaner and when he finally opened my pussy lips up and found my clit, I did moan. My hips jumped and I could feel that I was very wet, and probably had been for most of the massage. His head went to my chest and he took one of my nipples in his teeth and bit. It wasn’t gentle, either. And I moaned louder.

My hand was free enough that I did start rubbing him through his pants. I felt his breath on my breast as he gasped. His fingers on my clit dived for my hole, slick with more than just massage oil. I felt his fingers go a little into me and I wiggled my hips, not sure if I was trying to get them further in, or out. My own scent filled the room as he pulled back the cover and let it go to the floor. Oddly enough, though his hands had been all over me, more at that moment than ever before, I became embarrassed and a sense of modesty came over me when my stomach hit the open air. I started to wiggle so that I could find the cover again. He stopped biting my nipple and forcefully kissed me on the mouth. I could feel his body move around the table, freeing my arms, but he let me have little time to consider that freedom. Both of his hands went over my body and down my arms, pinning my well relaxed limbs to the table.

That was when the eyepillow fell off and I could see that I was not in control. And I felt myself fall into the sub role for him.

He put one of my hands on his crotch to continue to rub him. Keeping my other hand under his, he went back to fingering me and biting my nipple. I let myself let out more of a moan than I thought I had in me, and it was followed by his fingers slowing on my clit. Infuriatingly so. The twinkle in his eye told me that was what he wanted to do to me.

I moved my hand on his crotch so that I could almost get into his waistband, but the angle was awkward and I could just fumble with his shirt and then stroke back down his leg. I think he took pity on me because he let my hand go and started to disrobe himself. First his shirt and then his pants. I hadn’t realized that he didn’t have underwear on before that. I also hadn't realized he was uncircumcised. I had a lot of realizations that day. My hand went to his naked cock and I knew that he had been hard for a while from the heat and throbbing from it. He pulled back the covers from me and leaned over me, head down. From all the forcefulness, the tentative licks on my clit were tender, and showed me that he was doing this for both of us.

He came up and kissed me. I could taste myself on him and felt myself buck into his hand as he fingered me again. He took a handful of my hair and pulled me up a bit so that I was on my side facing him. All I could do was comply, and I know I had a silly grin on my face. The massage table was just at the right height for him to present his cock to me, and I went for it. He sucked in air as my lips went around and down the shaft of his cock and I could feel the foreskin following my teeth down the shaft. He smelled musky, but clean and tasted so good.

He didn’t let me suck on him for too long. He had hold of my hair and used it to pull me so that I was sitting on the edge of the table. He wrapped his arms around me and held me with him between my legs, our chests pressed together and his cock hot on my own crotch. We kissed, his mouth went down my chin and my neck as he pulled my head back. I couldn’t help the feeling that came with that and I shuddered. Rudy continued down and I had to lay down across the table. His hands were on me all over, my breasts, my stomach, my waist, my crotch and there was that cock pressing on me.

I was really overwhelmed.

I found that he had lifted my legs and my knees were pointed at the ceiling, his hands on my hips. And then I felt him enter me. I was so wet that I wasn’t sure that he had actually done it until he pulled out and slowly went back in again. It felt so good. A momentary flash of condom use went through my mind, but, I have to admit, it felt so good that I didn’t want to change the moment and loose the feeling. He just held himself there and I wanted to wiggle, to buck against him, but he held me still with his fingers digging into the flesh of my hips.

He pulled out of me and coaxed me back up. His hand was on the back of my neck and he helped me stand next to the massage table. He kissed me and hopped up on the table himself. He pressed me down onto my knees and I began sucking on him again. It was not the first time I had tasted myself, by a long shot, but it tasted so good on him. I pressed my breasts around his cock and his head went back. The hand on my neck loosened as he relaxed onto the table. I felt his cock start to throb in my mouth.

Rudy’s hand went to my hair and he pulled me away from him. That twinkle was back in his eye. He stood up again and started to push me around. It took a moment until I figured out what he wanted. I let him direct me and I was face down on the table again, my ass in the air with him pulling my head up and back by my hair. He easily entered me from behind and slowly stroked in and out. It felt good, but the best thing about it was the loss of control as I was prone with Rudy controlling what we did.

Again, he stopped and just held himself in me. He pulled me up and kissed me. It was not as forceful as before, but it was deliberate.

Rudy sat again on the edge of the massage table and I automatically went to my knees to be at cock-level. I stroked him and sucked on him and felt his cock throb again. In a small voice, Rudy said, “You are going to make me come.” I wanted that. I wanted him to come in my mouth. If I could have smiled right then, I would have. His breathing changed and he started to use the foulest, yet most sexy language as he got closer to orgasming. His hand never left my hair and as the first wave of his orgasm went through him, he pressed my face into his stomach. There wasn’t much cum in my mouth, but I held it there, savoring the taste as he quiveringly pulled out. I swallowed and smiled.

I stood and we hugged, and smiled at each other. And ever the professional, even after that impropriety, Rudy asked how my knee was. I laughed because I hadn't felt anything during our tryst.

We talked, got dressed, talked and made arrangements for the next massage.

My problem is this - I loved it, it is actually something I have been hoping that would happen for a while. I do not know what will happen to our relationship, but I know we will continue to be friends. But I haven’t been able to concentrate, or even really want to play with any of my subs since. My self image has been totally blown apart. Am I really a sub that has been playing Dom? Why did I slip so easily into that role with him?

Can you help me?

Michelle H.
Michelle,

It does sound like it was a grand and glorious encounter. You had someone who cares about you give you pleasure, and it sounds like he knew what he was doing.

There are reasons there are both the Top and the bottom roles. They need each other and are not complete without each other.

Having been a Top from the beginning of your introduction to sadomasochism, you have not had the directed play as the submissive. It can be hard to always be the one creating sessions, the one holding the flog. Somehow, Rudy knew that you needed this, and yes, it shook you up. You have a loving friend who has helped you to do more healing in a very fun way.

Use what happened to let you know how your own subs are doing. Have fun, let your Dom out again and don’t worry that you may be a sub to Rudy.

I have a feeling that you took a submissive role in your marriage, probably not intentionally or knowingly. It hurt having that relationship taken away from you, even though it sounds like it wasn’t as healthy as it should have been, but it let you discover more about yourself. Consider how you refer to your Ex - you needed to have a submissive encounter, you never know it might be a relationship, that was not hurtful.

And I think that Rudy considers you attractive, sensual and highly fuckable. Your Ex doesn’t know what he lost.

Miss R