the Leathermines

I know you hear this a lot, but I never thought I would be the type to answer an ad in the back of a pulp paper.

I’m like any guy.  I get horny.  I get lonely.  Combine those, and guys can do stupid things, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.

It had been weeks since I was able to hook up, even with the fatty from apartment 14.  I was getting desperate.  I started to look at  the internet sites with live feeds, but that was just something to wank off too.  I needed to actually fuck someone.

I was looking for a new set of rims for my Nova when I went from the car listings to the personals.  I laughed at myself for scanning them, but there was something that caught my eye.  A woman who wanted to get fucked.  It wasn’t listed like that, I had to interpret the code.

You know - 28SW n/s ISO 23 to 30SM n/s 4 right now.  Call...

I called.  She sounded fine.  I mean, radio voice with honey and beer.  She told me where to meet her and I ran out the door.

I was at the deli, trying not to show that I had the worst boner I ever had when she walked in.  My jaw dropped.  I looked around and wasn’t sure if this was the one I was waiting for.  She was wearing a black dress with a bright red jacket over it.  And her legs.  I wanted to just flip her on her back and fuck her right then with those legs wrapped around me.  She smiled at me and came over and sat.  Even her voice was more perfect in person.

“So, did I talk to you about half an hour ago?”

“Oh, baby, you bet you did.”

She smiled at me.  You know, the type of smile that tells you you are in for trouble, but you don’t care.  “You are raring to go.  I haven’t had lunch, though.  Let’s get a couple of sandwiches and go back to my place.”

I was ready.  More than ready.  She ordered and I paid and I started to follow her out of the place.  That was when everything went to shit.

A guy came in, waiving a gun.  He wanted our money and the deli guys' money.  I was holding the bag of sandwiches and I was damed if I was going to miss an opportunity to get fucked.  I threw the bag at the guy and slammed into him.  That tipped us over the counter and I remember mustard from a big plastic container and I slipped.  Something happened and my pants caught on the sandwich counter, ripping open.  I heard screaming as I was pounding on the guy.  But then we slipped again and I tried to hold onto something.  I think something came off the wall and hit me and knocked me out.

And that, Sergeant, is how I came to be on the floor, covered with deli meat with my dick in a cow tchotchcke.